I’m trying to keep this one short the last one was a bit long. Since landing in Canada I feel like I haven’t stopped. I don’t know if it is a fault of my own, but I feel that this needs an end date. I think I have one! On the 12th of June I land in PDX and continue working away at my vanlife project. I’ve made more progress in the last month than I’d made in the last two years of wanting to make my dream trip a reality. But more to follow on that in a bit.
“All I can think is does this matter, you and I we are not the same, does this require vague ignorant and passively ferocious pain, it doesn't have to be this way. Let's say what we need to say let's agree that when two people reach a certain depth there are pains that must be pried from within, and thrown on a pile far away and never referred to again. Your heart is in need and baby I'm trying to bend and not break, I'm trying to be this seemingly impossible shape with ten sides and one face. This is it in the end it's me at the end of my wick, just don't burn it at both ends cause I’m addicted to this sweet sweet love and I hope that it never ends.”
First I want to talk about my break-up, I haven’t updated everyone for a good while. Maybe if you are close to me you understand what’s been going on, but also not cause I haven’t really spoke to a whole lot of you about this. Perhaps for me the above writing sums up the experience in general, I had for the last year of my relationship with Marianne. These feelings which must have have been mutual led to us separating. So earlier this year in February, I spent the summer in Australia and she spent the winter in Quebec (I think, I won there) time apart was the best thing for us to finalize it all. I don’t want to get caught up in all the details cause to me that is not what is important. I do want to say that I tried my hardest, until the end. Perhaps I needed to quit, and understand when to stop flogging a dead horse, those around me could probably attest to my stubbornness in regards to these matters. I want to also say that it was all worth it, for whatever reason, I’m left feeling positive about it all. I can appreciate the twists and turns that life throws in my direction and this one was definitely a memorable one. One of great learning. I want to say I wasn’t hurt by all of the goings on but I think if I did I’d be lying. I want to say that I am not drained of energy, but I am, and it is my fault and my fault alone. You see back in November, there was somewhat of a pivot for me I had a choice to make and it was either, leave Marianne to her own journey and continue along my path, or continue to support her in detriment to my own dreams and aspirations. I chose her, this would begin the slow and painful journey to the end. We would “together” pack up our lives for the third time in the two years since meeting and move to her home town Sherbrooke, QC on the other side of the country. We would settle and try to find a future that was comfortable for the two of us. Such a bullshit sentiment that I now realize was unrealistic. I was happy going about all the things I had to, happy to continue the adventure that is life, I learned to speak french functionally, I even learned from my new co workers that the word “plotte” is another word for vagina, at least in a woodwork factory in Quebec it does! Truth is when someone is unhappy there is nothing you can do, that they can’t better do for themselves. No amount of love and devotion could change the fact that I wasn’t the right person to share in Marianne’s journey. She loves her family, she loves her routines, she’s dedicated to her career and well being, me? I’m a guy who can’t sit still, my idea of a family is broad and includes many people that aren’t blood related, my career currently rests on a vague plan to help change the way we use the planet and the energy it provides us, there’s no room for 9 to 5 or routine in there. We are not made for each other, especially not at this point in our lives. In saying all of that, hindsight is a bitch, and you just never know how things will play out. In this situation they played out in this way, and everything is gonna still be OK. I wrote this free verse below when I met Marianne I'm not sure if I ever sent it to her, If you are reading this Marianne, merci beaucoup pour les souvenirs, l’aventure est terminee 2018!
Pail skinned lover in my bed, another dream of future begets. With a long drawn breath of air I feel a comfort that I could never forget. I run my warm stout hands through your wavy blonde hair, and think to myself this is something I don't want to regret. Stare into my eyes see my gaze, don't you realize, that you set my uneasy heart ablaze. I wander the sleepless lands at night, when your eyes are shut tight, I wonder what's going through your mind, and the things I can't see inside. As I massage your back, neck and thighs, I begin to see the signs, could this be real or just another lost soul filling my life. Tell the truth as I squeeze so loving and tight, revealing the inner human truth I never saw use to hide. You as human as me can't see what's in store, just as long as you aren't keeping score and you tell me all even the most hurtful gore that could rip a hole so virtuous as to make me lose it all. This is me my lover as I breathe deep, forgetting what it was like to have complete control over my respiratory. This is me my lover all of me, this is it from the tips of my head arms and feet, to the very depths of mymind at peace.
L’aventure nouveau commencer en 2018! So I’ve just driven about 3,000 km flown for 36 hrs and I think my head-space is even worse than when I left Aus in my last blog. So much for social isolation! But all this madness, well it was a must! I had to be out in the east to pick up my life’s belongings anyways, so why not make a go of it while I was out here! I had made so many lifelong friends even people I would call family out here, and if there’s one thing that I enjoy it is, that I allow myself to go the extra mile for all of those people in my life. I was speaking to the engineer (let’s give him a name he’s the latest character to feature in my life’s story, introducing Brett Belan solar powered machine extraordinaire) over an update phone call, (I’ve somehow made him the head engineer of my project, without actually meeting him in person, whoops stranger danger and all of that), he said this to me and it was the moment I realized that we are gonna be good friends for a very long time, “[us humans] we have to build good relationships together with as many people from as many places as we can, if we don’t the world is doomed” how inspiring! How appropriate! I realize now that this is what I try to do, and I am so grateful that I am capable and have the opportunity to do this! With all that said it is time to put my head down and get to work. So I’m sorry if I am not the most contactable, man and I hope you understand. On the 12th of June 2018, I fly out to Portland, Oregon, USA and begin building this van that I won’t shut up about. I will attempt a departure from Prudhoe Bay in Alaska on or before mid August 2018! Which leaves me not a whole lot of time, hence my haste. I will be situated in Ashland, Oregon and I’m eagerly awaiting my arrival being received by the Belan family, which I’m hoping will be a much more productive place to continue my journey! I can’t wait! Details of the van and the specifics to follow in future blogs.
Lastly, I wanted to share a deep sentiment through all of this that I am living through right now. I recorded a video, on the way to Fredericton, NB after leaving Marianne in Sherbrooke, QC. I think it highlights an important and very overwhelming part of living a lifestyle on the road and on the edge of normality. Where I am constantly questioning who I am and what it is that I want in life, am I doing this right? I want everyone to realize that this stuff that I do may seem like a great reality, and it is I am very blessed, but it has many moments of deep dissatisfaction, emotion and frustration, the last thing I want to do is make people feel like their life is inadequate in comparison to mine, believe me your life is not inadequate. Your dreams are achievable, and so are mine, all of this is just me trying to achieve something deeper and more enriching a life. All I could hope for is that we are all completely honest about our realities and like all people sometimes my reality is difficult. Anyways watch the deep dark video and enjoy the raw head-space of Joel Hayes.